Sequence Proposal 'Revised'

I recieved feedback for my Proposal, and so I wanted to try and fix the parts that didnt work so well.
My story is a basic scene out of a larger story.


"This is a great scene with loads of action. The writing is largely very good. You chose some excellent
phrases such as describing a building as gormless.

The gunfire that isn’t Coban’s is established rather late so when I read it I was unclear for a while
whose bullets were who’s as it starts with just our one man. It might be worth including a short
establishing sentence indicating sound and gunfire in Coban’s vicinity.

When you start the dialogue the proposal falls apart. The dialogue isn’t great and adds nothing to
the sequence. In a short form proposal such as this I would avoid it. You might like to write the scene
up in full including dialogue and think of it in terms of a ‘sample scene’ to demonstrate you can
handle dialogue. This is often requested with a proposal such as this. The text proposal should stand
alone without dialogue perfectly well.

Watch your grammar. I think you meant ‘spies’ not spy’s.

Lastly you might think about a common stumbling block in writing called ‘two types of magic’. An
audience can take one out of this world thing but give them two and enter the absurd.

As this proposal / sequence is clearly a part of a larger whole it might be an idea to introduce it in a
few sentences (in addition to the word count). Are there zombies AND mutants? Or are the zombies
mutants at a later stage?

Other than that it’s a really good piece of work. Well done. You write well."

Synopsis: After a mysterious Meteoroid hits England the whole world is on high alert. Dangerous Gases emit from the Meteoroid eventually killing everyone, only those quick enough to escape underground are left alive. Those infected by the gas soon turn in to Merciless monsters forgetting everything of their past only now craving death and destruction. Coban, once an ordinary man, wakes up to find he has developed un-imaginable powers, why and how he doesn't know. Slowly they cause him to descend in to madness, but he must use them to survive in this deadly world.

Coban wields his katana and slices off the head of a roaming mutated zombie. He strolls to another and slices its belly; innards spill on to the dusty road. He pulls out a Berretta and unloads it on the surrounding necrotic wonderers with great precision. In the distance a group of survivors mistakenly shoot him only skimming his arm and forcing him to roll aside behind a dilapidated car. He holsters his gun and grimaces with pain. Carefully, Coban peers in the direction of the shot. A bright light shines in the distance upon the roof of a gormless, abandoned building.

Coban ponders then whistles loudly, the surrounding zombies shuffle towards him in groups. Coban then runs from the cover of the car in to the maze of the un-dead, staying low as he goes. He dodges and darts, staying clear of any open areas whilst zombies explode and fall beside him from the strangers shots. Blood splatters his poncho, but he takes no notice.

He reaches the building and stays flat to the walls. Shuffling along, he reaches a backdoor; gunfire from above continues to reign down on the mutated beings. Coban kicks the door handle, breaking it off before swinging the wooden door open. He enters and listens to the constant booming of the weapons above. From the corner of his eye, Coban notices a zombie slyly approaching from behind and responds by shaving off its head in one skillfully soundless movement. Slowly he ascends the metal stairs treading carefully.

 He silently opens a door and spies a male with two females, facing away from him shooting at the zombies below. Coban creeps on to the roof wielding the Katana.  The man wheels around holding up his smoking weapon. Wide eyed he is struck down by the Katana that now protrudes from his head.

The two women, one of whom who looks too thin and twitchy to be holding a large weapon both look at him in shock.

Coban takes a glowing hand from beneath his poncho. Noticing its glow thin and twitchy recoils and drops her gun. Coban releases a sudden bolt of electricity from his hand forcing her frail body over the top of the building like a rag doll. The other women whose face has open sores screeches towards Coban who releases a second jolt of electricity from his fingers, causing her to shake violently before vaporizing into a scarlet mist. Coban casually picks up his Katana and exits the building.